I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.