I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone