Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Order here:
More here:
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.