Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”