Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Cpt_Burnout's best tweets

@Cpt_Burnout : "It's always Russia somewhere" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.

@Cpt_Burnout: *Puts on apron*

*Places Pop Tarts on plate*

*Removes apron*

@Cpt_Burnout: My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

@Cpt_Burnout: Stranger: "Excuse me where is the nearest..."

Me: "GOOGLE IT!"

@Cpt_Burnout: What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?

@Cpt_Burnout: Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?"
Me: "Yep"
Guy: "You smoke?"
Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."

@Cpt_Burnout: REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.