“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
*Puts on apron*
*Places Pop Tarts on plate*
My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”
Me: “GOOGLE IT!”
My favorite X-Men character is Nicki Minaj.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”
REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.