@Cpt_Burnout

“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.

@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

@Cpt_Burnout

Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”

Me: “GOOGLE IT!”

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@Cpt_Burnout

Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”

@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.