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@Cpt_Burnout : "It's always Russia somewhere" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
@Cpt_Burnout: *Puts on apron*
*Places Pop Tarts on plate*
@Cpt_Burnout: My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
@Cpt_Burnout: Stranger: "Excuse me where is the nearest..."
Me: "GOOGLE IT!"
@Cpt_Burnout: My favorite X-Men character is Nicki Minaj.
@Cpt_Burnout: What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
@Cpt_Burnout: Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.
@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?"
Guy: "You smoke?"
Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@Cpt_Burnout: REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.