I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank