[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy