I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Just so funny
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.