Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You