Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of cravin4's best tweets

@cravin4 : Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

@cravin4: My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@cravin4: Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

@cravin4: My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I've been fat shamed enough already this year.

@cravin4: A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

@cravin4: Can't, I'm about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@cravin4: [Attorney's office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

@cravin4: Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@cravin4: Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide PODâ„¢ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@cravin4: Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You're not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.