When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
john wicks are toilet candles
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
choose your fighter