I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
What the hell happened here.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.