Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.