I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.