Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead