I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
wtf management?!
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”