you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
my proudest tweet
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude