Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I will out-dad you simply by placing more burgers on my grill than yours. How many burgers is that? I have 27
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player