Funny Tweeter

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Page of CrockettForReal's best tweets

@CrockettForReal : Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@CrockettForReal: So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

@CrockettForReal: If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.

@CrockettForReal: I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

@CrockettForReal: Big Tobacco: *slaps vape out of a child’s hand* no! Don’t you know this is killing kids all over the country?

Kid: ...

Big Tobacco: *hands kid a pack of cigarettes* die slower you idiot.

@CrockettForReal: 13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you...

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

@CrockettForReal: Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

@CrockettForReal: Me: that tattoo is ugly as hell.

Them: dude, my kid drew that.

Me: then they need to go back to tattoo school.

@CrockettForReal: *throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

@CrockettForReal: My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.