@CroweJam

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@CroweJam

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.