Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.