Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CruisinSoozan's best tweets

@CruisinSoozan : I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

@CruisinSoozan: I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

@CruisinSoozan: I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

@CruisinSoozan: Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

@CruisinSoozan: Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@CruisinSoozan: I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

@CruisinSoozan: If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@CruisinSoozan: I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

@CruisinSoozan: I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

@CruisinSoozan: When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.