Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.