User | Funny Tweeter

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.