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Page of CruisinSoozan's best tweets

@CruisinSoozan : If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@CruisinSoozan: I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

@CruisinSoozan: I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

@CruisinSoozan: When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@CruisinSoozan: Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

@CruisinSoozan: She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@CruisinSoozan: When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

@CruisinSoozan: The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@CruisinSoozan: Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@CruisinSoozan: You want to sext?
Ok, but I'm not very good at it.

*frantically types*