@CruisinSoozan

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

@CruisinSoozan

Your Emotional Support Canadian is reading other tweets but your tweet is important to them. We are receiving a higher volume of tweets than normal. Please stay online and your tweet will be read in priority sequence.

@CruisinSoozan

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

@CruisinSoozan

I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@CruisinSoozan

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.