@Crunch11b

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@Crunch11b

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.