“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Cake safety first. Always.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes