Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
He wanted to make sure😂
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule