If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.