My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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#parenting
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
kids play hide and seek like
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”