Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet