do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
all that yoga finally paid off
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away