when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Oh. My. God.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: