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Page of CulturedRuffian's best tweets

@CulturedRuffian : Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

@CulturedRuffian: Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year's Resolution.

Friends: C'mon, just have one....

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

@CulturedRuffian: [ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

@CulturedRuffian: I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

@CulturedRuffian: CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@CulturedRuffian: Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

@CulturedRuffian: [ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you'll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

@CulturedRuffian: * on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I'm on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I'll only order one.

Date: Wow-that's amazing! You've got some will power!

Me: