@CulturedRuffian: Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year's Resolution.
Friends: C'mon, just have one....
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
@CulturedRuffian: [ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
@CulturedRuffian: I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
@CulturedRuffian: CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
@CulturedRuffian: Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
@CulturedRuffian: [ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Her: Guess you'll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
@CulturedRuffian: * on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I'm on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I'll only order one.
Date: Wow-that's amazing! You've got some will power!