Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Whoa 😂
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
not seeing the problem
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of