Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.