Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
channeling her this year
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO