*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
yall want some gasoline milk
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.