Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Life cycle of cat
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*