Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ATMs should have breathalyzers
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha