Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.