ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sell your car