I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?