@CynicalTherapi1

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

@CynicalTherapi1

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

@CynicalTherapi1

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

@CynicalTherapi1

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

@CynicalTherapi1

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

@CynicalTherapi1

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

@CynicalTherapi1

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.