At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?