He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
i think we should see other cousins
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”