Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
You Might Also Like
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
titanic
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling