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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on