I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.