How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
guys I’m going home
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.