@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@DBMaxP

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

@DBMaxP

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”

@DBMaxP

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

@DBMaxP

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want