According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Who said losing weight was difficult?
“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want