I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.