Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My dog ate my work from home.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
This is what makes twitter great
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
accurate
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.