Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
it must be school picture day