Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️