got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.