MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party